What Do You Want?
Asking yourself this question and sharing the answer with another person just might change your life
When was the last time someone asked you what you want? More importantly, when was the last time you asked yourself this crucial question?
The disembodied voice speaking to you through an intercom at your favorite fast-food drive-thru does not count. I am curious if someone who knows you, cares about you, and is interested in your happiness has recently inquired about what you desire.
Maybe you are one of the fortunate few surrounded by people who frequently ask about your dreams for the future. But if you are like most of us, the number of people interested in discussing your hopes for the future is limited. Throughout my career as a researcher, teacher, and consultant, I have learned that most people do not take time to ponder what they want for themselves, let alone what the people close to them desire.
Hard times are good times to let your imagination soar
At the stroke of midnight on December 31, 2020 people around the world celebrated the end of a year that will likely go down in history as one of the most devastating of all time. As we leave 2020 behind and welcome in the new year, our economy is in the throes of a recession and the livelihoods of millions are in peril. It is tempting to believe there is nothing we can do right now to improve our lives and that thinking about what we want is foolhardy, even frivolous. After all, how can we focus on what we want when so many people cannot meet their basic needs?
I do not want to minimize the struggles people are experiencing right now. Not since the Great Depression has life been this hard for so many. Offering time and service to those in need is vital to the health and healing of our communities and I encourage everyone to find some way — big or small — to lend a helping hand to neighbors in need. However, I do not condone putting away our hopes and dreams for the future and passively waiting to see what will happen next.
Embrace future-mindedness
It is a widely known fact that the global pandemic has had a disturbing effect on the mental health of people of all ages. In December 2020, Scientific American reported that symptoms of depression are higher now than they were after the 9/11 attack or Hurricane Katrina. Losing loved ones to COVID-19, limited social contact, and increased exposure to negative media are just a few factors contributing to depression. Joblessness and financial insecurity are two more.
So what are we to do? Should we surrender to current conditions and wait for the vaccination to save us and the economy to improve? One way we can keep our spirits up and move forward with our lives despite the many adverse effects of the pandemic is to embrace future-mindedness. The Greater Good Science Center at U.C. Berkeley defines future-mindedness as the ability to imagine the future as opposed to dwelling on memories of the past or the realities of the present.
I am not recommending that we emulate ostriches and bury our heads in the sand to what is currently going on. I am simply proposing that we make room in the days and weeks ahead to contemplate what we want in the future.
Identify what you want and share it with others
In 2014 I lived in Colorado, where I taught qualitative research at the University of Denver and coached doctoral candidates on their dissertations. I created a seminar called How to Become a Fearless Communicator©, which I taught for a short time at the Colorado Free University. I spent a significant amount of time during the seminar helping participants inventory what they want in life. Many participants identified personal passions they had not previously explored. Sadly, I had to abandon these seminars due to conflicting demands at the University of Denver. However, I never abandoned my belief that uncovering what we want and then sharing it with others are two significant steps on a fruitful path to creating a more satisfying life.
A personal example
In January 2020, a friend and I took a trip to South America. We spent two leisurely weeks exploring Buenos Aires, Argentina and Montevideo, Uruguay before returning home. Once back in the U.S., I became ill. It was the early days of COVID-19, long before a test was available or the coronavirus was on my doctor’s radar. I was diagnosed with Scarlet Fever but in hindsight, I am fairly certain I had caught the virus. I suffered through many dark days alone in my home thinking I may never get better. As one miserable day bled into another, I began to ponder several weighty questions, such as “what is the meaning of life,” “what is my purpose,” and “what do I want?”
Three weeks later, after I regained my strength, my appetite, and my sense of taste, I decided what I truly wanted was to take a break from work to write a book based on my fearless communication seminar. As a consultant, I had the flexibility to take time off, so while others were lamenting shelter-in-place orders, social distancing requirements, and mask mandates, I was comfortably (and somewhat guiltily) ensconced in my home doing work I found meaningful.
When June rolled around, and it became clear that the virus and the economic recession were not letting up, I began to worry about my financial situation. It was time for me to do a little soul searching and revisit my desires. Although I had savings to cover my living expenses, I wanted to earn an income while continuing work on my book.
Once I had clarity about what I wanted, I wondered who could help me. I brainstormed a brief list of people I know and, after mentally running through the pros and cons of each name on my list, I decided to call a previous consulting client. He had checked on me several times during my illness and suggested I let him know when I was ready to return to work. My former client happily rehired me to oversee an important COVID-related project, demonstrating what I already knew to be true: sharing what I want with others is the best way to make it a reality.
Now, back to you
What do you want? What do you desire? What do you dream about, wish for, or fantasize about having? Let your imagination run wild. Forget about your current circumstances and engage in a free flow of ideas. Gently push away questions or concerns that sneak into your mind about how to turn your dreams into a reality. Focus your attention on “what” you want, not “how” you will make it happen.
Do you want something material like money, a new pair of jeans, or a pool in your backyard? Or is it an experience you crave, like spending more time with your kids, organizing your garage, or working fewer hours? Or maybe you want something intangible like more affection, forgiveness, or gratitude for what you already have. Make a list. Write them down or type them up.
If you have trouble thinking of something you want, it may be easier to identify a relationship or situation in your life that makes you unhappy and then work backward from there. For example, if you have a roommate who frequently leaves a mess in the kitchen, you might ask yourself: What needs to change to make me happy? The answer to your question will be a clearly defined want, such as a roommate who cleans up after herself.
The approach you use to identify your wants is unimportant. You may have several wants at the top of your mind, or you may have to dig around in your dissatisfaction for a while to identify a few. Take your time. List as many wants as you can, and then pick just one.
You may want to pause here for a moment until you have one want clearly in mind.
Have you identified one want? Okay, good.
Now think about the people, organizations, or circumstances that could potentially help you satisfy your desire. Who or what could help you turn your dream into a reality? For example, if you want to return to school to become a nurse, it might be a university admissions office that could help you rather than a specific person. If you want a pool in your backyard, the most obvious answer would be a pool contractor. But if you don’t currently make enough money to afford a swimming pool, the person who can help you with that is probably your employer. There may be several avenues for you to explore, so spend some time thinking about various people, organizations, or changes in your circumstances that could help you make your wish come true.
Remember: You are not an island
Without the help of others, very little can be accomplished in the material world. In 1624 the poet John Donne famously wrote: “No man is an island.” Despite Donne’s lack of gender-neutral language, he clearly understood that human beings rely upon others — their abilities, resources, and care — to create meaningful lives. Sure, we can do simple things on our own, like cook a delicious meal, but we cannot ignore the web of human interconnectedness that is a vital aspect of a satisfying life. We cannot forget the grocery store clerk who sells us the ingredients for our tasty feast or the employer who provides us with money to pay for it.
I encourage you to get in the habit of identifying people who can help you fulfill your wishes and then telling them what you want. Although most people won’t take the time to ask us what we want, they are typically happy to help us. I’ll give you an example.
In the early days of the pandemic, the shelter-in-place mandate inspired many people to bake bread, making it as hard to find yeast as it was to find toilet paper. One day I mentioned my inability to buy yeast to my mother, who lives in a different state, and she offered to send me some through the mail. She had recently purchased a bulk supply of yeast online because she, too, was baking bread while confined to her home. If not for my mother and the hard-working employees of the U.S. postal service, my desire to bake homemade bread would not have become a reality.
A few words about worthiness
Some wants (like acquiring yeast for bread) are fast and easy to fulfill, while others may take a bit more time to materialize.
I have learned that the amount of time it takes to make a dream come true has less to do with the enormity of the desire and more to do with beliefs about our abilities and worthiness.
Our beliefs about our abilities and worthiness can often stand in the way of getting what we want. Think about it: If you believe you are unworthy of earning a higher salary, you will probably be uncomfortable asking your boss for a raise.
At this stage of my life, I have satisfied many of my wants with seemingly little effort. I rarely allow the magnitude of my wants to discourage me from pursuing them; however, I am not immune to doubting myself. When I was younger, I often let my unworthiness derail my dreams. I once ended a budding relationship with a good man because I believed he was intellectually and financially out of my league. I also suppressed my desire to become a high school teacher because I was afraid I would fail the state credentialing exam.
There is a great deal more I can say about feelings of worthiness and overcoming beliefs that are standing in the way of realizing your dreams, but that is beyond the scope of this article. For now, I want to simply encourage you to acknowledge your doubts and share your wants anyway. You might be pleasantly surprised by the response you receive.
Go ahead and try it!
I hope I have inspired you to identify just one thing you want and then share it with at least one other person who could potentially help make it happen. The people close to you may not ask what you want, so it is up to you to tell them and then be prepared for your life to change.
Jeanne Jacobs has a Ph.D. in Communication Studies. She is a coach and a consultant who believes in the power of self-reflection, self-awareness, and fearless communication. Jeanne enjoys helping people create uniquely satisfying lives. If you are interested in working with Jeanne or attending one of her free upcoming seminars, respond to this article or send her an email at jjacobs@fishandwaterconsulting.com.
